Black and White and Red All Over

Sunday, 25th July. Semliki Time: 04:41pm

-- The below entry, in the interest of unbiased cultural commentary, contains words and concepts of a graphic nature and should be skipped by elderly relatives ---

I’d like to say that the Guardian was my favorite British newspaper, I really would. It fits my namby-pamby, vaguely liberal political sympathies better than any of the other broadsheets and I needn’t comment on the discrepancy in standards of journalistic integrity when it’s compared to the tabloids. My favorite British newspaper, I’m ashamed to say however, is The Sun. A mere 30p opens the gates to a whole world of excellent headlines, laughable journalistic bias, lovably backwards social commentary and, my favorite feature of all, ‘Dear Deidre's Photo Casebook”, where partially-clothed ugly people routinely commit acts of gross infidelity. And then there’s the particularly wonderful ‘news in briefs’, where topless women deliver their take on politics, current affairs and the lofty drama of the world stage. Free from the vitriol of the Daily Mail and the smug self-indulgence of Private Eye, I didn't think The Sun could ever be bettered. Uganda, however, has proved me wrong. Uganda has shown me Red Pepper.

On the face of it, Red Pepper looks like any other tabloid. Ugly type-setting, a sensational headline and promises of “Hot Goss” emblazon the front cover. Flick through the pages, however, and you enter a land of whimsically disgusting euphemisms and bizarrely graphic and frank accounts of regional travesties. To give you just a small taste of the strange, depraved, accidentally bizarre world of Red Pepper, here are a few choice excerpts:

Bonk Your Own babes - Kabakumba

THE MINISTER OF Information, Matsiko Kabakumba, has urged the Banyoro men to bonk their own babes to reduce the level of Aids in their area… “Stop distributing your whoppers to other women,” Kabakumba vowed, before adding that all women are the same… “Do not overlook your husband because the law protects you. They will leave you and shaft others”.

No. I didn’t change the wording of that at all. And that one’s relatively tame. Here’s an oh-so-painful story about a man suffering from badly-timed case of lymphatic philariasis, a mosquito-borne parasite that causes irreversible swelling of the lymph nodes and can be easily cured with a single course of an affordable drug. Fear not, I’ve kept the original grammar intact:

Man Shafts Neighbor’s Wife, Loses Whopper

The latest shocking news from Mbale Municipality is that a man who reportedly shafted his neighbour’s wife is at the verge of losing his whopper and leg. Sobbingly narrating his ordeal to this reporter, Martin Ochwo, 27, a resident of Namakwekwe village said his whopper and leg started swelling after he had a quarrel with juicy Jane Nambozo’s husband. With tears rolling down his cheeks, Ochwo said he used to have steamy romps with Nambozo when her husband had been transferred to Kampala.
“When Nambozo’s husband left for Kampala, we feasted on each other as if our lives depended on sex.
We would shaft from hotels in Mbale town and at Nambozo’s house. She is so sweet a lady that I could not imagine dying without having a piece of her Kandahar”, horny Ochwo said. The steamy bonking sessions crumbled after Nambozo’s husband caught the duo red handed shafting in his matrimonial bed.
"Nambozo’s husband vowed to finish me off for feasting on his juicy wife.
I am not surprised that my leg and whopper swell every day,” Ochwo said.
One of sexpest Ochwo’s relatives says they have tried all kinds of medication in vain.

Poor sexpest Ochwo! Okay, okay, sorry, this is just getting gratuitous. Maybe I just have an immature sense of humour. But, y’know, at least I didn’t mention the “OMG Magazine Special Report”:

Top City Homo Bonked To Death
- Had Swallowed 5000 Giant Whoppers
- Fallen Homo star Was King Of Blow Job
- Even Some Government Officials Worked His Bum.

Or the mystifying advert for:

Maama Wabaana Mwajjuma Nalwadds
Specialists in:

- Fibroids
- Miscarriages
-Prolapse of the Rectum (Emmeeme)
-Size of the Weapon.
- Body boast and body loose.
- Women fluids in 1 day.
- Returns lost lovers urgently and properly.
- Breast firming and other body parts.
- “Liquid form” for Sexually weak man.
- Twin tower services
(Delivery is made to respective places)

Or even the gloriously schadenfreude-filled article:

Man Thumps Father Into Coma.

I even spared you:

Elderly Shafts Toddler (Survives Lynch), Ciara Causes Massive Scrotal Eruptions at YMCA and I NEED COW HOOVES – CAROL!.

And, before I thump your Western sensibilities to death with this tremendous whopper of a blog entry, I’d better skip town. Red Pepper has just told me that Osama Bin Laden is coming, and he’s got bombs.